The Hairy Inadequate Assistant

The universal remedy

Censorship

Not matter what side of this issue you are on, I think we all should agree that a phone company should not be allowed to censor our text messaging options. Our family is planning on dumping our calling plan with Verizon and pay the early termination fees.

We do not want to be associated with a company that feels they have the right to censor what we can and can't subscribe to on our phones!

And if there is a boycott group formed, please link me.

Stigma

I don't know if this is common...but. I have noticed that women hold a terrible stigma against men with babies. I take my son to the park and it isn't uncommon for mothers the herd their kids away from us.
It's weird for us and the kids (usually 5 and 6 year old girls who want to see the baby).

I guess this is a symptom of our era of fear. Perhaps a man with a baby is using the him as a lure? I don't know. However, I think it is the ultimate irony for a mother who dresses her 5 year-old daughter in a shirt that says "hottie" to think that every man with a baby is a sex offender.

Caged Love

DSC_0010.JPG, originally uploaded by dhgoodman.

Yes, this is our 6 month old son standing on his own in his new pen! He has been demoted to slave status as a result of his new-found mobiilty. The pen was supposed to contain him, but he has figured out that it can assist him in standing and circling his confinement .. like a wild animal.

Of milk and men

Oh, I am a terrible blogger! A soon as I develop a bit of a roll (2 or 3 posts), I get overwhelmed with home, work, whatever. This is exactly why my screenwriting career never got off the ground (that combined with the fact that I have no idea what makes a solid dramatic character). So consider this a wail to my Muse: I repent! Grant me another chance to write something interesting. Or at least give me a good title. Ah, "Of milk and men". Thank you, thank you.

This is a topic that many fathers will relate to. Milk is the thing that makes you wholly inadequate. Actually the lack of it. But getting it from the mother can also be a challenge. Sometimes there is not enough. Then what do you do? At 4 AM, men spring into action. Men are all about action. If there is a problem, we move to fix it. Simple.

So began our odessey into the world of formula. Our child was hungry, the milk was depleted, so we supplemented with formula. It worked. And then it didn't. Formula has side effects, like gas for instance. Doesn't sound that bad, right? Gas, big deal, right? Babies don't see things this way.

Gas=pain. Pain=screaming. Screaming=new type of formula to reduce gas.

Men act and then react. But this line of logic has further side effects. Soy formula can cause constipation. And that means more screaming. So men buy formula that is supplemented with enzymes to break down the lactic acid...are you sensing an evil marketing plan here? Every step into the more exotic worlds of formula bring more expense, as every concoction contains more processes and additives than its proletarian predecessor. If it's more expensive it must be better and designed to solve our specific problem, right?

Alas, none of this makes sense in the end. Woman finally throws Man's foolish solutions away, the baby reverts to its normal cycle in a matter of days. And it's over.

So this male model of affecting the world (identifying the problem, crafting a solution, acting on that solution, gauging the results, adjusting the solution), this does not work in Nature. Nature has its own plan and ways. Ways that are designed to frustrate and confuse the rational mind. So men not only have no milk, but no milk sense.

The best-laid plans o' milk an' men, gang aft a-gley. Amen Robert, amen.

Being "Not Mommy"

My son made the incredible step this weekend of being able to recognize people. At only 4 weeks of age, I feel this is a real acheivement. In fact, he can recognize two people: mommy and not mommy.

I am a "not mommy", joining my in-laws, the appliance service technician and all other creatures living or simulated. Not mommies are unsatisfactory to my son. Not really what he wants to see or hear. But mommy gets a smile of recognition every time. Not that I am bitter, mommy earned her smiles. It's just interesting to me that infant children seem most comfortable in absolutes. No shades of grey in love, hunger, happiness, or their opposites.

So here is another example of the biological superiority of women: they have a physical, primordial connections with their offspring (in addition to bearing them). Is it any wonder why the men needed their sweat-lodges? But that question is for another post.

The Miraculous Dr. Lei

So I am probably voilating a blogger law, but I want to tell a story that took place back a few months, while my wife was pregnant. At about 36 weeks, she was told (no loger proper to say: we were told) that our baby was in a breech position. Not good. Less than 5% of babies turn on their own from that stage in the pregnancy. You can have external manipulations where a physician forceably turns the baby upside down by pushing on the mother's belly. Hard pushing. We didn't want it, but the breech is dangerous. Enter Dr. Lei.

Dr. Lei was recommended to us by an earthy massage therapist here in Raleigh. She is the real deal for chinese medicine and accupuncture in the Triangle. So my wife went to see if accupunture could turn our disoriented baby. In his defense, I have a terrible sense of direction, so he comes by it honestly.

Dr. Lei examined my wife and said simply: "Good energy. You lie down." She then inserted one needle into each pinky toe, one needle in each shin, and one on top of her head. And she walked out. Within seconds the baby was squirming violently and then stopped. Dr. Lei returned, twisted the needles and walked out. And the baby squirmed again. After several tries, Dr. Lei was satisfied, and she gave us incense to burn by my wife's feet.

Two days later and ultrasound revealed the baby had turned. A miracle to everyone...except Dr. Lei.

From 2 to 3

2 = misery

3 = salvation

Feeding cycles are the life blood of early childcare. If you are living on the 2 hour cycle, you are basically on the job 24 hours a day. Just ask my wife! A few times we have had a 3 hour cycle, and we have lived trembling in fear of the 2 hour wail. With 2 hours, you have time to change them, feed them, burp them, soothe them, and put them down for 40 minutes or so. And then start all over again. The 40 minutes is actually a cruel hoax of a rest period. You just get to feeling back to rights and relaxed only to be back in the soothing business. This is a tough road.

4 weeks at it this Friday. And my birthday is right around the corner. All I want this year is to get from 2 to 3. Hours that is!

The best birth story ever

Sometimes it just takes one performance to make you a star. For Amalah, this was it.

The first must-have: Vaseline!

I don't know why no one tells you the basic things about babies up front. Sure, you're told about meconium (don't click it you're squeemish) but there is not much discussion about wiping it off of your child. These early bowel movements stick like tar! So why doesn't anyone tell you to put vaseline on your child's behind? It is absolutely the single best thing we have done since our son was born. Vaseline is as waterproof as a plastic bag, and nothing sticks to it. BM is off in seconds flat and baby's skin is protected.

So do your baby a favor and grease them up! And that goes double for new parents facing those first meconium bowel movements.